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Should I Get Engaged To My Priest, Who Is Leaving The Priesthood Because He’s In Love With Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Get Engaged To My Priest, Who Is Leaving The Priesthood Because He’s In Love With Me?
My priest is leaving the priesthood because he’s fallen in love with me. I don’t know what to do. I’m not a religious person, but after my father died, I became close with the priest who provided his last rites and ministered to us during the funeral. Over the past year, we grew close, and I started to think of him as a good friend. Last week, he gave me a letter and asked me to read it when I got home. In it, he confessed his feelings for me, that he no longer felt like a father in the ecclesiastical sense, and that he wanted to be with me in Holy Matrimony. I am shaken, confused, and feeling guilty. He’s already begun the process of being laicized, but I don’t share his feelings.
He was shattered when I told him, even though if we were just co-workers and good friends, I would date him. But he wants to get married. I feel like everything is so fast and there’s so much pressure on the relationship, I wish he would have talked to me before deciding to leave the clergy. But he explained he needed to be released from his vows, otherwise, it would be like cheating. What should I do? What if this doesn’t work out? Would it be crazy to get engaged right now? I never even thought of him romantically before, but I know I can grow to love him.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris discourages the letter writer from accepting the priest’s proposal. “Your ‘good friend’ the priest simply has a job that is making this emotionally stunted and inappropriate gesture seem more complicated than it is,” she writes. “The same thing the priest sees in you, other men (ideally, men who you have a romantic interest in!) will see too.” Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Wrong To Want My Husband To Admit To His Parents That He’s Taking A Solo Vacation While I Take Care Of Our Kids At The Beach?
A few weeks ago, I overheard my husband, on speaker phone, tell his mom that he’d be missing our family’s vacation because he had a massive work deadline. She clucked in sympathy over how unfair it was that he had to stay home when he’s such a devoted dad and hard worker, etc.
But his explanation was a bald-faced lie. He’s taking vacation time that week, too — he just wanted to use it to recharge his own batteries, so he’s planning to lounge around the house while I manage two kids under 4 at the beach by myself.
I know there is an imbalance in our parenting (I cannot imagine getting the house to myself for a day, much less a week), but in this instance I’ve made my peace with the fact that he’s genuinely fried, and will be a better person — and a better husband and father — if he gets some time off. What I’m struggling with, though, is that he’s not being honest about this. He’s getting treated like a martyr, when I’m the one doing the work. Every time we speak to his parents, and they lament his stressful deadline, I want to scream, “HE’S PLANNING TO GO GOLFING EVERY DAY.” Am I being petty? Why do I want them to know this so badly? How should I deal?
[Slate]
Michelle Herman advises the letter writer to have a conversation with their husband about their feelings. “Are you sure you’re OK with this?” she writes. “Because if you haven’t ‘made peace with it’ — if this is something he’s talked you into, as I suspect is what’s going on here — there is going to be a blowup later between you.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Neighbors To Fix Up Their House, Or Move?
I live in an affluent neighborhood of expensive, although older homes.
The vast majority of homes are very well-maintained and manicured. Many have had major remodels to look like brand-new homes.
However, there are a couple of homes that are in serious need of a facelift!
One home in particular is a complete eyesore.
Although it is worth over a couple million dollars, the lawn is dead, there are high weeds where the lawn should be, paint doesn’t match and/or is faded in places, wood facia is rotting, along with other significant cosmetic problems.
There do not seem to be any code violations that would get the city involved.
I am not aware of the owner’s financial situation, but they have been there long enough where there should be significant equity to refinance and pull out money for repairs — or sell and move to a less expensive home.
Other neighbors have left notes, to no avail.
Any suggestions on how to get this family to fix up their house, or even move?
Amy Dickinson notes that the letter writer has not offered to mow their neighbor’s lawn, or help out with improvements. “I suggest that you approach this by putting human values ahead of property values,” she writes. “Changing your own orientation and approach should improve the neighborhood.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Do I Find Out Who Wrote Me An Anonymous Note About My Son, Who Spends A Lot Of Time With Our Pigs, Cows And Goats?
I have a friend or family member who wrote me an anonymous note telling me that I should teach my 13-year-old son to have better hygiene. I opened my mailbox last week and found it, and I started crying. My family and I live on a farm, and my son loves to spend a lot of time with our pigs, cows and goats. He loves taking care of them every day because they are his pride and joy. As a result of this, he and his clothes often end up having a distinct scent on them from the animals. He tries to get it off of him, but it sticks.
I am offended and upset that someone wouldn’t have the guts to tell me to my face. Instead, they chose to leave a note without signing their name. I now feel as if I can’t trust the people around me anymore, and I feel as if it could’ve been anyone from my life. How am I supposed to find out who did this and confront them?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole urges the letter writer to stop trying to identify the note’s author and start figuring out how to help their son improve his hygiene. “This may mean separating what clothes he can wear when handling the animals — including washing and storing them separately as well,” she writes. “This is not a new problem for farmers.” Read the rest of her answer.
What Should My Coworker Have Done When Her Manager Started Picking Her Toes During A Meeting?
A co-worker had a one-on-one meeting with her manager during which said manager picked her toes. What could my co-worker have done or said? (Really, this happened to my friend, not me.)
Robin Abrahams opines that the answer depends on the coworker’s general relationship with her boss. “There’s a knee-jerk impulse to say something when a person breaks a social norm, but it’s not an obligation,” she writes. “Sometimes it’s best not to say anything.” Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Have To Accept My Dad’s Desire To Be Called ‘Grandude’ By His Grandchildren?
My father, with whom I do not have a close relationship, wishes to be called "Grandude" by his grandchildren. He is not a "dude" in any sense of the word, which makes the entire thing seem like a mockery of him, and he demands respect in every other way.
My siblings feel this is inherently disrespectful and that if he will not respect himself, their children should still respect him. I have to say I agree with my siblings despite agreeing with your general principle in most situations about addressing people as they wish to be addressed.
I have lightly hinted to my father about maybe calling him something else, but he doubled down on his name. Do I need to put aside my own scruples here and give in, despite how wrong it feels?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin rule that the letter writer does, indeed, have to give in. “And while you are doing so, you can, in private with your child, explain that this is not normally a respectful thing to call someone, but your father has a strange sense of humor,” they write. Read the rest of their answer.
