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Should I Impregnate My High-School Girlfriend Against My Wife’s Wishes, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Impregnate My High-School Girlfriend Against My Wife's Wishes?
I am a happily married man with two awesome kids. My high school girlfriend "Lisa" has recently gotten in contact with me and dropped a bombshell. She confessed that, unbeknownst to me, I got her pregnant 20 years ago when we were teenagers and my mother bribed her to have an abortion. I no longer have contact with my mother, but this type of controlling behavior is very characteristic of her. Lisa, who is childless and unmarried now, has a lot of regrets about the abortion and requested that I father another child with her to replace the one she lost then.
I realize this is an extremely unorthodox request, but I feel very badly about what my mother's toxic behavior put Lisa through. I can just picture Lisa coming to my mother to ask for help and my mother verbally berating her into submission. I asked my wife for her thoughts on the idea, and she angrily shot it down and said it would be cheating. To be clear, I get that extramarital sex is literally the definition of cheating, but this scenario is kind of different because I'd only be doing it to help Lisa. Can it really technically be considered cheating if it's for an altruistic reason? I'm considering going ahead with it despite my wife's objections. Do you think I'm justified to do so, or is my wife correct that this would be cheating? If I do go ahead with it, should I tell my wife I'm doing it despite her objections, or just leave her out of it entirely? I realize there is no way to make everyone happy here, but I'm just trying to do the right thing.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris points out that there are dozens of other ways Lisa could become a parent besides sleeping with the letter writer. "I am not aware of a 'for altruistic reasons' exception for cheating, so unless there was something like that in your marital vows, please drop the plan," she writes. "And be honest with yourself here." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Friends We're Going Whale-Watching, And Then Reveal That We’re Actually Going Diving With Sharks?
I graduated with my Ph.D. two years ago. My friends have been asking me nonstop to come for a visit. However, every time I visit, they just want to go bar-hopping, something I am not a fan of.
Now they are saying if I come visit, they will do something I want, as long as there is a low risk of getting sick, injured or killed. They said no to roller coasters and skydiving.
I have found an option to go cage-diving with great white sharks, no scuba certification required. Would I be in the wrong just to tell them we are going whale-watching, and then once the shore is out of sight, telling them we are actually going diving with sharks?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona, rule that it's cruel to try to force people to do things they don't want to do. "Are you really asking Miss Manners if it is OK to trick your friends into doing something dangerous?" they write. "What is wrong with just going out for coffee?" Read the rest of their answer.
What Should I Say To My Employee After She Told Her Family Member Where I Get Medical Treatment And What My Car Looks Like?
I have an employee who is constantly overbearing and frequently steps out of line in regards to privacy and personal space. She mistakenly sent me a text where she was revealing to a family member who works at a medical office where I was obtaining medical services, and describing my car and what state my tags were from. This shook me, considering it's my private medical treatment at stake, and I have no idea what else has been discussed without my knowledge.
How can I professionally say you've gone too far and my medical treatments are off limits for discussion? This should be a given and just plain common sense, but there seem to be no bounds regarding her nosy antics.
[Creators]
Annie Lane agrees that the employee's text was a violation. "If you are comfortable, confront her one-on-one," she writes. "Let her know, as you have in your letter, that her disclosure of such personal information is both invasive and highly inappropriate." Read the rest of her answer.
Is My Therapist Right That I Should Look The Other Way When My Husband Cheats On Me?
My husband of 14 years has had three affairs, that I'm aware of anyway. He's 67, I'm 61, and I'm his fourth wife. I've been talking about this with a psychologist, and she advised me to accept his infidelity and set boundaries. For example, that he can't communicate with his girlfriends while he's at home. My husband is a dentist, and my therapist says that they're the most narcissistic of all professions. So dentist wives just need to understand their personality traits. I've seen this quality in him for years, but I'm not sure how long I should accept it.
She says that because of my age, I should just continue in this marriage. Yes, we're old, but my heart hurts. Complicating matters is that I don't have children of my own, and his kids and grandkids are my world. But, I'm incredibly astounded by this advice. Is this a valid reason to just look the other way?
Do you agree with this advice?
Jordan Harbinger and Gabriel Mizrahi validate the letter writer's concerns about their therapist's advice. "Give this therapist another think," says Harbinger. "If you don't feel comfortable with her, if you don't feel that you're growing, that's an important signal that I would listen to." Read (or listen to) the rest of their answers.
Should I Agree To My Mother-In-Law's Plan For Her Grandchild To Call Her A Completely Different First Name Instead Of 'Grandma'?
My in-laws have informed us of the monikers they would like our new daughter to use for them, and they are ridiculous. I can make peace with the one my father-in-law wants — a spin on "Papa" — but the one my mother-in-law wants is an actual proper name that bears no relation to her own name. Think: Her name is "Donna," and she wants her grandchild, but only her grandchild, to call her "Gabrielle." It's bonkers.
I'm all for letting people be called what they want to be called, but… this is weird, right? Is it weird enough to say something over? And if so, what? Or do I just inwardly roll my eyes for the next decade? I cannot say this name with a straight face.
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to think of their mother-in-law's request as a gift. "Embrace the bat[poop] awesomeness of this with all your might, and call them exactly what they want," she writes. "Your daughter will then mangle it in her own way and make it even better." Read the rest of her answer.
Is My Wife Correct That All Social Invitations Should Go Through The Wife Of Each Household?
My wife tells me that the proper etiquette for my family to invite us to family gatherings is to do it through her. She says that verbal invitations should be coordinated through the wives of each household. I'm fine with my family going through me and her family going through her. Is there a right way and a wrong way?
Wendy Atterberry opines that there's no right or wrong way. "I think that some time in the past few decades society came to the realization that men are capable of keeping track of a social calendar as well as women are," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.